My loving Granny would have been 79 years old on Wednesday. I originally was not going to post this. . My Granny and I were very close. She was like my Mother, hell she was. Any childhood memory that makes me smile has to do with her. I was her first grandchild, and treated me as such even after I had kids. I always thought she would live forever. I know that sounds a little crazy, but I never could imagine my life without her. She use to try and talk to me about death, but I never wanted to hear it. We talked everyday. She taught me how to cook, how to dress, and how to not just except what a mutherfucker gives you in life. She was famous for saying “MY DADDY DROVE THE BULLSHIT TRUCK TO TOWN, YOU CAN RUN BULLSHIT OVER ON ME”… My Granny was a curser, yes she was. And I mean HARD! And she smoked, which took her away from me. I got a call one day at work in 12/2004 that she only had 3 months to live if that, and she was moving into a nursing home. Her lungs just could not keep her going. She was only about a 10 min drive from me so I would go see her often. I would get in the bed with her, and we would talk and watch tv. She had me perm her hair, and I would wash it, all in the little sink she had in her room. I recall oh so well on that particular day after I did her hair. I think I left around 8pm. As I was leaving they were giving her morphine which I HATED. As soon as I got home, I received a call from her. She had no clue where she was, and she wanted me to come pick her up. She thought they had her locked up in a house out back she said. She told me to pull up and she would just come out when she saw my lights. I was thinking to myself “What the hell is going on, I just left her”. So I drove right over, and there she was in her bed. Waiting for me. I sat next to her, and asked her was she ok. She said..”Tamara why am I here? I don't understand”…Talk about a pit in my belly. It was hard leaving her that night, but I ensured her she would be ok.
(me and granny at home)
Not long after that, she started going down hill. She stopped eating completely, stopped talking…I couldn't understand that. This makes me laugh. When she stopped talking, I got in her face and said “GRANNY, TALK..I KNOW YOU CAN TALK. GRANNY DO YOU HERE ME'”…I think she pulled all the strength she had and said to me “GIRL GET OUT MY DAMN FACE!”..in muffled words. BUT SHE SPOKE! (smiles) That was the last visit for me. I could no longer see her like that. I was okay with my decision though. A few days later, I got a call in the middle of the night and she was gone. She died on Daddy's birthday (her Husband, my Grandfather). Following her death, things just got BAD.
TIME LINE
- 8/2004 (My Mother in law died of a heart attack)
- 12/2004 (Granny not given long and put in nursing home)
- 2/2005 (Granny passes, and great aunt and uncle pass 2 days later)
- 4/2005 My Other Grandmother dies of a heart attack
- 5/2005 (Miscarriage)
I don't think..well I know I have not gotten over this at all. It pains me to think about her visually. I can think of her words, and type them on the blog from time to time, but not associate visuals in my mind, as a defense for my emotions. I hope to someday really deal with this the right way, and think of her without it breaking me down. I just wish she was here. I just wish she would have stayed here as I asked her to, and let me take care of her. But no, she wanted her own place. I just wish I could call her, or ask her to buy me some shoes that she would fuss about but do anyway. I wish I could call her and ask for a recipe. I wish she could see her great grandson play sports, and her great granddaughter become taller than me. I just wish to here her voice. I have mentioned her before I associate her with butterflies. I was having a HARD day at work (former employer) and I looked up and out my window and there was a butterfly just flapping and a flapping away. I had never seen a butterfly like that in my LIFE. It was HUGE! It totally took my mind of work, and I think it was her offering me something. So if I see a butterfly now. I think softly of her. I will never forget.
Thanks for allowing me to share this moment with you guys. It helped me in away. I hope she cut a rug to some Sarah Vaughn on her day!
Tamara
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